by Braydon Iverson
Christmas Stockings: The last time a sock of mine was stuck on the wall for a consecutive amount of days, I had to scrape it off the wall with a spatula and was taken to urgent care with a rare and potentially dangerous form of athlete’s foot. It was a traumatic experience, and I’d rather it not be brought up again.
Telling a ghost story on Christmas eve: Why would you tell children a scary story right before a big red man breaks into your home? Can’t we stick to “not a creature was stirring”?
Eggnog: There’s no specific reason this tradition is bad, other than the fact that eggnog itself is bad. Soul-crushingly bad.
Advent calendars: In fairness, I enjoy advent calendars each December month. I just realize the slippery slope those chocolate treats create. Soon enough, children start asking tough questions: “Why isn’t here a Mashed Potato Calendar for Thanksgiving? What about a Resurrection Calendar for Easter?”
Gingerbread houses: It is wrong for us to assume power over the Gingerbread community like this. Sure, this might help the Gingerbread homeless population, but what happens when those new homeowners can’t pay Gingerbread rent or utilities? And what of the Gingerbread mortgage rates? Where’s the Gingerbread space to build? We can’t play Gingerbread God. We must let the invisible dough hand of Gingerbread capitalism play its role.
Driving around the neighborhood to look at decorations: There’s nothing as tranquil and joy-filled than this. Pack into a warm cozy car and take a scenic route around the block to enjoy your neighbor’s decorative holiday lighting arrangements. Admire them, rank them, or fall asleep at them. (Unless you’re behind the wheel, of course.)
Keeping the k103 radio station on in the house: Every year during the holiday season, the k103 station switches its music selection to a strictly festive theme. With classics like “Rudolf the Rednosed Reindeer” and “Mr. Grinch”, plus modern-day hits like Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You”, you’ll be sure to keep a jolly spirit with these songs filling your home.
Decorating the Christmas tree: It doesn’t matter how you get the tree, whether you brave the cold weather to cut down a real tree or stop by a tree lot. What matters is how you decorate the tree to fit your home’s spirit. The star on top, the white, green, and red ornaments, or any other personal touches bring life and holiday energy to the house.
Hot cocoa and a movie: As many people’s favorite holiday activity, the warmth this activity brings competes with any snowy or stormy winter night. Traditionally, one would watch a holiday movie, but any movie will do. Whip up some steaming hot cocoa, wrap yourself in a blanket, and relax all holiday season.
Giving to those in need: We cannot forget the generous nature of the holidays. There are many ways we can help others in need. One could volunteer at the Oregon Food Bank, making sure everyone gets a warm meal on these cold nights, or donate clothing to Goodwill to make sure they have proper clothes for the weather. Anything you can do helps, so why not help? After all, ‘tis the season.
The advent calendar creates a horrible addiction. (Photo courtesy of Food and Wine.)